|Damn it, I'm not a genius, I'm not a billionaire, I'm not a playboy (although a few did call me as such), and I'm not a philanthropist. So why can't I get some decent sleep? Danger is imminent? No, at least I don't think so. I'm not being hard on myself, either so I should have no problem sleeping. I've never participated in any "Save the World" event, and I don't count 5km marathon as such. But this insomnia that's been going on for the last 5 days is going to make me crack. I have no history of anxiety attack either, and I'm not anxious about my upcoming challenge either. Nothing has been the same since I had my last nightmare from 5 nights ago:|
- I was in the garage installing mods to my car in a workshop. Some customers were there to observe and were getting quotes from the Asian guy behind the counter. He's in his late 30s early 40s. This guy can produce sounds from inert objects with his mind. He was demonstrating it in this workshop and everyone was applauding. A woman asked me to hold her baby wrapped in a blanket, and I did so with respect. All of a sudden, this Asian looked into my direction and had the devil Joker's smile. The baby started saying the fakest "goo goo gaa gaa". Everyone knew it was him doing it and were laughing. I wasn't because I did not find that funny at all. He kept doing it and then, the baby turned on his stomach, climbed all the way to my ear, and whispered something that I couldn't ear, and POOUUFFFF, he turned into fumes and entered in my ear like vaccuum sucking air. I heared lots of voices in my head and I couldn't ignore them, so loud and annoying and frightening that I woke up.
Since that night, I couldn't get decent sleep. I wasn't afraid to go back to sleep, but I just couldn't get my mind to settle down, relax, and get off that "alert mode".
|Thank goodness I'm not a woman. Yesterday was the most disturbing training I've witnessed. Some guys were literally drooling as in wipping their saliva! A trainer was with a young woman, probably in her mid 20s (I'm terrible with age). She's good looking, and she's working hard. She was covered in sweat, not just a bit but a lot of sweat like coming out from a pool (kind of like me after my cardio run). Becasuse she was wearing a white shirt and grey shorts (short as in upper mid thigh), it's a "disrtracting" view because she's blond and her skin is fairly white. With these "pigmentations" combination comes into play with lots of sweat, you can see through her shirt. She was wearing a white bra by the way. Her shorts were also covered in sweat and, although not see-through, the sweat "travels" to the pattern of her underwear making a nice dark triangle in the back. I don't blame the many people who just kept hogging their eyesight. I just looked away and focus on my training more than anything. One thing I'm good at is to divert my distraction, and that's especially easy when listening to anime. |
It's in human nature to be observant and curious, and opposite gender generally attracts one another. Literally drooling is disgusting, especially in a gym. These people, most of them anyway, are just there fooling around. I see women sweating as normal, and although I myself like the fact that women are sweating from working hard, I'm not turned on as the rest of these perverts.
|I've been trying to keep up with my short lived training success last Monday and today. Monday, I couldn't run for more than 15 minutes. I didn't sleep well and I was slightly hungry. Today, I couldn't break through the 18-minute barrier. I was also tired and slightly hungry. I was unable to sleep lately. These last 2 training sessions have been critical blows because I wanted to get better. I was actually hoping to run for 25 minutes and if I could go further, I was planning to add 2 more minutes to make it just over 5km. Nope, that didn't happen. Something prevented me from pushing myself further.|
Today was worse because I was yawning towards the end of my training. I did try out the "Straight Leg Hip Raise" that the guy suggested to me last week and I can do it nicely. I'll do that from now on. I'll need to change lunges for something else because my legs have adapted to this exercise but my left arm can't seem to hold weights for that long. My left arm hurts more while my legs were still fine. Next session, I'll use barbell instead.
The rest of my training seems to have reached its asymptote so I'm looking for ways to improve myself even further. I know I'm no longer young so there isn't much I can do at this point. First and foremost, improve cardio. I'm already thinking about my next run in September.
|It's highly unusual for me to write out something like this. This girl broke up a couple of years ago. During that time, she would call me up and we'd talk and let her cry her heart out. This is very disturbing because I think as time passed, she got attached to me and treated my as her lifejacket. At first, I was fine with it just so that she can start moving on. Her other friends are trying to get her to see reality but she kept pushing them away while she'll accept them without hesiattion from me.|
I've seen her reactions and her glare towards me. I thought it was just temporarily but it happened all the time. I started feeling very uncomfortable around her, so I started ignoring her. Whenever she sees me, she has this big smile that no one else can get from her. I'm not proud, and I'll say it again, I'M NOT PROUD!!! When she moved away because shecan't get over her break-up, she did a house-warming party by setting a date based on my availabilities. After the party, she emailed me saying that it was important for me to be there. I flipped off my chair and wanted to commit suicide.
Every time I go out with friends and if she's there, I usually try to sit away from her. I thought she would get the message after some time of ignoring her. After some time, I started talking to her again and I thought it was fine until those "special glares" came back to haunt me. I don't know what it was at first, but then, I came to the conclusion that she's just acting all along. She's acting all cute around me, and I know a lot of guys like that, but I'm not among them. In fact, I hate girls acting cute around me. Her pitch has always been high so that makes it harder to distinguish if she's even more attracted to me.
I talked to my other friend about it and she said that I'm overthinking. This girl hasn't been the same ever since she broke up. I don't expect her to be the same either but I would hope she'd be more real. She's been having health issues ever since she moved out and unlike other people, she's always scared. She had depression and constant migraines and headaches, yet she does not follow doctor's recommendation to get better.
Everything she's doing right now is her own doing. This generation and onward is troublesome. When someone hit an obstacle, they try to dig a deeper hole instead of trying to climb out. When I said I'd probably move out, she said "don't move too far from me". Well, guess what, you're among the list of reasons I want to get out of here. It's your problem to move in the middle of nowhere no matter how good the price of your condo is. You did this to yourself.
I may be overthinking, but I'm taking every precaution. I'm constantly carrying my invisible katana with me, and if she makes any close move or if she admits her feelings for me, I'm cutting her off. I don't want her to be the person she was, but at least try to be more real. Drop the act, please.
Anyway, I'm training again tonight. My objective is that 20-min at 7 MPH again and the "Straight Leg Hip Raise" instead of the usual that I've been doing.
|Last Friday, I managed to repeat Wednesday's results in full swing. There is a possibility that I could punch through the 25-minute mark at 7MPH on the treadmill this week. If that's the case, then I should have no problem running the 5km in less than 30 minutes. The reason is running on treadmill is different than running outdoor where I need to endure the leg bound feedback from asphalt while this feedback is much softer on treadmill.|
While training last Friday, some guy came to me giving me tips on improving my abs after seeing me doing the "Leg-Hip Raise" hanging in mid-air. I found it strange at first. This guy told me his experience with this exercise ad taught me a few things including a few more difficult sets. I told him those would kill me, and he said that with what I'm doing right now, I'll be able to do them eventually. When I'm doing right now, according to him, the majority of the people can't even do it. It's not an issue with weight but how tough your body can endure. It's all about cardio and endurance. I'm training cardio, but endurance will most likely increase my body mass. I've switched to power training, but if the recent months are of any indication, my body can probably take what this guy is suggesting.
I'll try that 20 minute run at 7 MPH maybe once or twice more before pushing myself even further. The Leg-Hip Raise is somewhat easier now, so instead of raising my knees to my shoulders, I'll try raising my legs all the way up with legs above my head. My ultimate goal is cardio, and my secondary goal to strengthening my body trunk.